I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Randomize
