Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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