Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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