evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Another day, another engagement, another cat
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
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