I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
