just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Randomize
