I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
