Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
