I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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