I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Randomize
