wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
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Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
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They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
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