we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
