i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
