i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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