i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
