At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
