The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Randomize
