Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
