What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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