dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
