Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
