quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
I can't turn off my feet"
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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