I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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