Don't you send me to vm
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
The uberlube is also flammable
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
