mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
