I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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