Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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