I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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