Old men and throwing up are my life now.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
