the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I know her cup size but not her name....
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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