Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
