how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
