Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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