When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
