I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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