i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
