Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
