I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Well who could blame her. I would run away from me if I could.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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