the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
