vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
