I'm sorry my penis didn't work
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
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Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
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You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
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