remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
