Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
