he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Randomize
