apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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