Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
