I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
