Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
