Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Randomize
