So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
