Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
