I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
This baby is an asshole
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Randomize
