My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Randomize
