when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
