i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
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FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
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I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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