I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
