I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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