sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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