I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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