eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
