My room smells like vodka and shame
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
what is it with giant penises always finding me
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
