I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
Randomize
